About Me

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blonde, blue eyed, do you want my likes and dislikes? Just Kidding. I'll fill this out at some time when I know exactly how to describe myself..which might be by someone else, post-mortum, only because I don't think I could sum myself up entirely, because people in general change everyday and can never make up their minds and if they are adamant about something? Well then they're not open to new ideas, research,and realizations. Everyday something happens that makes us different the next day than what we were the day before. That's life.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

About Me For Now

I know what true love is because I have children. What they feel for me and I for them is true love. Because of this, I know I've never had it in any other kind of relationship with anyone, except also a different kind with my dog Niki who passed away and my dog Brodie who I have now. Still I'm lonely, so maybe, but probably not, I'll find a true life with true love with an adult human. I have made two mistakes of wasted love that I gave and did not receive back. Was thrown away so easily, attacked, disgraced, shamed, abused, and the years with them treated as though they never existed. As though I never, we never, all the history together good or bad, never existed. Like I was just junk mail, tossed away, and the other keeps tearing me up as if I were trash even though I bore two beautiful children with him, He never loved me. I was nothing. So now my interests are starting over again and trying not to make the same mistakes again. Maybe, quite likely, at my age I don't have to worry about bringing anyone into my world and fear greatly to ever let anyone get that close to me or my children again. I must be strong. Strong for them as they are my world and there is so much beauty in the world that I want to show them. My children are my biggest interests of all. There is more to me than anyone will ever know, except that I must bring it out of me for and to them. They are my everything. My eldest is but four soon. He tells me that He is the wind, my Mother the moon, his younger brother, turning two soon, is a star, and I am the sun. Amazing, beautiful creatures. I guess I might be interested in knowing if that can exist between two adults. For now I focus on trying to get our freedom and becoming me again. Exercising my desires and talents. Showing them all the love I am capable of giving and never existing, without living, for another man again. I have to be me and help my children to be themselves and not what anyone else wants them to be. Independence, honesty, freedom, truth, how to care and be strong at the same time. How to fight with your brain and not your fists, and somehow raise them to be men with respect for others and above all, respect for themselves. First I have to teach myself how to be myself and not what someone else wants to force me to be, before I can teach them to do the same.

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